Everyone who has experienced anxiety can relate to the idea of feeling like they are going crazy. Our emotions and life feel so out of control at times that it becomes hard to reconnect to our “true self”. I thought about this idea for a while, the idea of not feeling comfortable with having fears or anxiety, and I realized why am I trying to strive to be perfect? Why am I so hard on myself for being anxious? I find myself in this vicious cycle of being so critical on myself if I have unconventional thoughts, irrational fears or don’t feel happy. This judgment has manifested in to immense pressure to want to be anxiety free. I rationalize to myself that if I am not anxiety free I cannot feel content.
I sat on this idea for a while, and I realized something…being “perfect” or “normal” is boring…and not interesting or exciting at all! I recently watched an interview with David Lynch (one of my favourite film directors) with Patti Smith (a very talented musician) and they talk about the beauty of disarray. Smith describes her house and the lawn she has as full of dandelions, long grass and untrimmed roses, in her absence a well-intentioned neighbor cuts her grass, trims her roses and gets rid of all the weeds. She was distraught to find her lawn made perfect, she embraced the natural chaos and loved every part of her lawns imperfections living harmoniously together. This story really resonated with me; I for so long was aiming to extinguish my anxiety not realizing that there is something breathtaking in being not perfect.
It is through the eyes of imperfection, that unique creative expression can be cultivated. I now try and embrace myself as I am and that has relieved a lot of pressure, and made me accept that I am only human. A human that is complicated, living in a life that is complicated and that is beautiful.